Awhile ago, Brooke Schoenman asked me if I was interested in reviewing some P-Mates on my blog. Discover what it’s like to pee my name in the hypothetical snow? Yes, please!
A P-Mate is “like a cardboard shoe with the toe cut off.” You place the wide end under your urethra, and let ‘er go. Make sure the opening at the end is actually open, and aim away from your shoes. No more mess, no more unsanitary public toilets!
Unfortunately, I found the concept difficult to grasp at first. I mean, I’m from isolated, coastal Newfoundland and Labrador. I’ve been mastering the “squat-and-pee” since I was old enough to drink beer in the forest. Thirteen years old.
But early one morning (like 3 a.m.), when some friends and I decided to head to Cape Spear to be the first people to watch the sun rise in North America, I decided it was time to push my doubts aside and attempt to pee like a man.
It wasn’t easy. I still did the squat, it just felt natural. So I half-squatted, and peed, much to the horror of my male companion who then tried to teach me the true way. I even pushed my chest back and whistled.
First I thought I was peeing all over my hand, but I could just feel warm pee through the cardboard. Also, I was a little intoxicated. Maggie witnessed my freak-out first hand. Oh god, have I said too much? Am I too masculine now? Will this pink font eradicate your doubts? Can someone tell me I’m pretty?
Anyway. I really like the P-Mates, and I want to try them again in a more controlled environment. For the record, I later squatted in the old war barracks with my butt exposed, experienced some “splash-back” (I’m not quite the pro I thought I was), and mooned a well-dressed couple strolling along the trail for some sunrise nookie. In these cases, totally worth the stand-and-pee capabilities.
Uhh, I don't know how that whisky got there.
My next test? I’m gonna stroll into the men’s bathroom, whip out my P-Mate at the urinal, wink at the guy next to me and say, “How you doin’?”
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Umm, for the record, guys don’t usually talk too much at the urinals, especially to hot women wielding a cardboard shoe with the toes cut off.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:01 am
Really? You wouldn’t ask me what the hell I’m doing?
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yeah, i lol’d reading this. Oh, the memories.. ;D
)
(and it was closer to 4am, my dear..
“This is easy… AH! I PEED ON MY LEG!”
“I PEED ON MY HAAAAANNNNNNDDDD!!!!”
that may have been the moment I fell in love with you for reals…
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:01 am
Hahahahaha, god I hope I win that contest just so I can show everyone the video.
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Hahaha!!! Loved the highly detailed account of the P-mate-ing experience, I needed one of those for some of the public toilets South America had to offer! They’re called she-pee’s over here! K
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:03 am
Hahaha, I need to try these babies again, perhaps sober this time…
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Haha – can you say “hilarious?”. I can
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:03 am
I wish I could post the videos…!
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My question is what do you do with the cardboard once you’ve peed all over it and there’s no bin nearby?
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:04 am
I have no idea, thankfully there was a bin nearby!
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I love this! And dude, you should totally be affiliate-linking this thing – I want to buy some!! But I want you to get credit!! Oh and for the record, you are not just pretty, you’re gorgeous, so pee like a man and don’t worry about it – no one will ever mistake you for a guy.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:05 am
Hmm, I don’t think there is an affiliate link!
Hahaha, and thank you!
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Candice – Very funny as usual! You don’t have to use a pink font – you are still just as feminine and pretty.
Robin
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:05 am
Robin, you are too kind! Thanks doll.
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This is so awesome…and bizarre to be sure, but like Trisha, I so want to try some out- love that you gave us a play by play of the experience…and that you didn’t pee on your hand
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:06 am
Thanks, Shannon! I hope I didn’t pee on my hand…details are hazy.
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Hahahha, funny story! I’ve seen the product in store (or similar.. I don’t remember the name), but haven’t bought/tried it. I imagine you (I mean we, women), will still need some toilet paper to wipe around, and some water to rinse the P-mate? Or… any trick for that?
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:25 am
Dude, I didn’t even consider the toilet paper thing, I guess I dripped-dried? Shook it off like a man? Eek.
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That is probably the 2nd most un-elegant thing I’ve ever seen.
A bit transsexualish from behind :-/
I’m glad I have a penis! At least our er exit hole has a bit of padding so don’t have to feel the warmth as it comes out.
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Candice Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 8:43 am
A bit transexualish?? Hahahaha thanks Rob, thanks a lot.
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Omg that was hilarious. Who knows maybe with practice you will be able to pee your name in the snow.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:25 am
I’m keeping at least a few just for that occasion.
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I need one! I always have to pee like a racehorse. Oh and if you do that thing in the men’s bathroom, I want pics.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:26 am
Of the men? Will do!
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All my life I have waited for a product like this.
Brilliant review. Even more so, brilliant pics.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:26 am
Now you too can pee like a man! Go forth and be free!
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I laughed out loud when I read your “How you doin?” comment. That would be awesome.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:27 am
I wonder if anyone would high-five me?
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Hahahaha. I literally am laughing out loud. The photo of you using your P-Mate is fabulous. Glad you didn’t actually pee on your hand! And now I’m really curious about these things…
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:28 am
Hahaha, I’m glad I inspired some people to try these, dooo it! I wanna hear more reviews.
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HAHAHAHAHA God I love you Candice!! That is hilarious! You once again just made my night!
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Hahaha! <3
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Candice, this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in awhile! Thanks for the laughs, hope you’re doing good!
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Thanks, Ali! The experience was quite amusing.
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The pink font did help, thank you.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:30 am
Whew, was worried.
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If i was in a bathroom at a bar which is common and saw some lady doing that, I’d be thrilled. It would make my night well sorta. Better that then the dude hanging out in Helsinki today, literally. This dude had no pants on, bizzarrrre.
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Candice Reply:
August 17th, 2010 at 7:30 am
Ahhh pantlessness, the next step in female freedom…
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hahaha…one hilarious post- the detailed descritpion and accompanying photos are priceless! I couldn’t believe this was something to share, but it is in your case lol This said it might do the trick for traveling females… what is your verdict? Aye or nay?
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Hahaha thanks for this funny post. Though I’m actually not really a fan of p-mates. They’ve got them on a festival here in Switzerland. The thought behind is, that girls use a special urinal and reduce the queues in front of the toilets. Unfortunately they use it also to pee behind tents and other “wild” places, like guys do. Having worked as a so-called “trash hero” I can only tell that it’s NOT fun to collect all the used, thrown away p-mates the next morning… ^^
But generally speaking I think it could be quite useful. Gotta try it one day.
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OMG – CANDICE YOU ROCK! Cracking up hardcore. Sorry, I haven’t checked stuff in a while been so busy, but this is gold. and, I need some.
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Haha, hilarious!
I’m a farm girl from Alberta so I get what you’re saying. I also thought I was a pro at the squat, until I had to learn to use squat toilets with my backpack on. Then I peed on my foot every time. I’ve been considering the new options.
Thanks for the funny review
Shauna
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Candice Reply:
September 6th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Ah, WITH the backpack! Nice. I haven’t even attempted that one yet, perhaps my next experiment?
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Im gonna have to watch out in the mon’s room for now on! Im scared!!!
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Candice Reply:
May 16th, 2011 at 8:34 am
Make sure you throw the wink in there.
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Hi Candice,
Lovely article!
If you wanna try again, please send me an e-mail and I will make sure through our US dealer that you will get some samples for testing.
Please check our website for more information.
With kind regards,
Jack Beerens
General Manager
P-Mate BV
The Netherlands
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Congratulations for being a man.
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