I’m back. The plane touched down in St. John’s and I couldn’t let go of Steph’s arm; it felt so good to be home and greeted by people who love me. Balance, familiarity, a space of my own. The most beautiful sunny day flying over the Atlantic Ocean with the outline of the cliffs below me. I hadn’t stopped crying in two days.
My trip ended on a sour note. I’ll never be ready to talk about what happened, or why things happened, or how they happened, but there’s that primal writer’s need to express myself and I’m not sure how. I’ve been moving through the days with my brain filled with sludge. I’ve been unpacking clothes and bursting into tears, reading emails and sobbing, catching up with people and sniffling. I sat in the airport openly leaking tears while poor Steph dealt with it all. I keep having nightmares and when I crawl out of bed in the morning my stomach is in knots.
I made some mistakes that unintentionally hurt people, which resulted in an explosion that changed how others see me entirely. Even I see myself differently. I can’t get past this fact. I feel the need for explanation, but it’s futile. All this occurred while I’ve spent the past week watching my family struggle through something so devastating I can’t even absorb its reality. The kind of life experience that makes you want to switch off your brain and shut down entirely. Others have learned to deal with it, and I still have not. Fortunately I have the most amazing family in the world; they’re the kind of people who would do whatever it takes to help me out of a jam.
But then I come home to Newfoundland where people know the real me, where I’m comfortable, where life is simple and mistakes are forgiven. I keep hugging everyone because I can’t help it. The simple act of brewing my coffee with my own coffee filters somehow seems thrilling. Shutting the door and having my privacy is a luxury. For such a catastrophic ending to an amazing journey, there’s no other place I’d rather be than right here. I love you guys, and everyone who helped out along the way. I owe you everything.
I’m also mega out of the blogging loop, so if there’s something you’d love for me to read, please drop me a line!