That time I had a mental breakdown atop a hotel

There’s never been anything I couldn’t mentally do.

And then a few weeks ago I found myself standing atop an 18-storey hotel sobbing into my tour guide’s chest.

MOST of these awesome people made it

Yeah, I’m a wimp. Wanna fight about it? I’m only beginning to understand this, turns out. I’ve ridden my high horse from Vancouver to Peru this past year, conquering fears while rock climbing on cliff faces and inside gyms, and generally laughing in death’s face while being tossed around white-water rapids in a dinghy.

I’ve always said it’s not the height that freaks me when flying, but the lack of control. I have fear of equipment malfunction, or something. A complete lack of faith.

But I’ve always just done it.

That day, I found myself on top of the Tryp Quebec Hotel PUR, with the opportunity to décalade down the side of the hotel. It SOUNDS like rappelling, but it’s not: you’re actually facing the ground, and your body is fully extended.

I figured I’d calm down after being all geared up.

I went through my own safety demonstration with the guides. I crowded around the edge of the hotel roof. One-by-one, volunteers began making their way down the side. Even the big, burly men were clearly terrified: they sat on the edge of that roof trying to slide their feet forward but being unable to take their eyes off the bottom. One-by-one, they all made their way down.

People on the rooftop of other buildings took pictures. Folks in the streets paused to watch. And those brave souls just walked straight down the side of that hotel like it was nothin’.

Rockin' it!

I wasn’t the only one crying. The only difference is that I freaking lost it, and could not control the sobs coming out of my mouth. I stood up there for hours trying to gather myself, while some of the group even came back for thirds…and FOURTHS! Their big grins and ecstatic energy told me what I was missing out on.

One friendly guide in particular walked me through the procedure THREE TIMES to explain how the gear held up. They hugged me, reassured me, and were generally AMAZING about the whole thing. And finally when they strapped me in and pushed me to the edge of the hotel, and I dangled my boots over the side, I was gripped with the most blind panic I’ve ever felt in my life.

NO NO NO NO NO! I just kept it saying over and over again, until the guide eased me back off the roof. I unhooked, ditched my gear, and ran to my hotel room without evening saying “SEE YA!” to my awesome guides.

Yeah, this is what I dealt with.

Damn, you guys. I totally failed. Will I deal with it next time? Will there be a next time? Who knows. I’m okay with being a pansy though, even if I missed that adrenaline rush.

Thanks to the décalade team for being so freaking awesome! And for patiently dealing with my whining. And for all the hugs. I loved the hugs.

Despite my wimpiness, if you ever get a chance to do something like this, FREAKING DO IT. Then call me up and laugh in my face. I’m okay with it.

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  • Yellow Jacket

    Its ok Candice *hugz*.
    I too could once climb ladders and stare down rooftops as if it were natural. But having one bad experience has put me off for many years. even attempting such things makes me freak out.
    You are a brave soul and I give ya an A for effort :)

    PS: I am tempted to try the CN tower roof walk to tell my vertigo to kindly fuck off.
    So if ya wanna give it another whirl, lemme know.

  • http://disposablehomes.blogspot.com Ivy

    You’re awesome. I’m a wimp, too.

  • http://thatbackpacker.com/ Audrey | That Backpacker

    Oh man! I don’t think I could do it. Maybe if I was facing up instead of down. It’s envisioning the drop that does me in.

  • Katie

    No, no no, a hundred times no. Going backwards, maybe. But I would not be able to do it while looking down. I also have no desire to ever bungee jump or skydive, and I’m totally okay with that. Sure, hearing other people talk about how awesome something like that is, it might feel like I’m missing out. But if I’m that scared, it might not be awesome for me, so really all I’m missing out on is being terrified and miserable. Or….at least that’s what I tell myself to feel better about it.

  • Adventurous Kate

    Candice, FUCK. I saw this on The Amazing Race a few years back — people were crying, shrieking, and I said to myself, “No fucking way, no fucking how, fuck that, let’s get drunk instead.” so don’t feel bad. I would have done the same thing.

  • http://www.cathytrails.blogspot.com Cathy Ly

    Umm…I totally understand.

    Because I would have had a major panic attack too. Kudos for giving it a shot girl!!

    Cathy Trails

  • http://www.travelandgraphs.com Ryan McCoy

    Everyone has moments like this, and yours is a totally legitimate case! I still to this day FLIP whenever I have to be in water where I cannot see the bottom.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Dare I ask…what was the incident?!

    Yeah, probably couldn’t do the tower walk. Lol!

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Let’s be wimps together

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Yeah! I figure that’s why I couldn’t deal…at least if you’re going down backwards, you’re not looking at the ground you’ll be smashing into.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    man, i actually had that included in my original post. I hate the “do one thing each day that scares you” bullshit. Unless it’s a fear that actually keeps you from living your life, who cares? Not like it’s gonna drastically improve my life. I’ll probably forget about it in a week.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Oh man, now I totally don’t feel bad if it was part of the amazing race! Hahaha. So glad I’m in the same boat.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Thanks, Cathy! I opted out of the massage and everything. Lol

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    What?! Pansy.

    Hahaha, I’m so kidding. And so glad someone can sympathize.

  • http://www.solofemaletraveler.com Sabina

    Oh, Candice, don’t beat yourself up. That looks completely terrifying. I’m very afraid of heights and couldn’t have done it myself.

  • http://www.twogirlsonetexas.com/ Megan

    Chalk it up to millions of years of natural selection in favor of individuals who had the sense not to go off cliffs headfirst. Looking over the edge of a building doesn’t bother me, nor does climbing, but if it came to going over the edge on a rope I’d have to agree with my risk-adverse ancestors and take the elevator instead! Go easy on yourself.

    Wonderful blog, by the way.

  • http://refrigeratormagnate.wordpress.com/ spilledinkguy

    Yeah. No.
    Absolutely not.
    I’m taking the elevator.
    In fact, forget that.
    I’ll tale the stairs.
    :)

  • http://refrigeratormagnate.wordpress.com/ spilledinkguy

    Why, look at that!
    I’m ‘taleing’ the stairs!
    Right.

  • http://www.hikebiketravel.com Leigh

    I had TMJ – some sort of lock jaw thingey from clenching so hard driving on mountain passes in Colorado. But then I took a rock climbing course (to help with fears of heights & edges) where I actually felt in control and climbed and rappelled off some decent peaks. That provided a tremendous sense of satisfaction. However, heading face down is not normal and I would call your reaction normal; you obviously have the ability not to be swayed by peer pressure which is also a very good thing.

  • Steve Whitty

    Do not worry about. I would not have made the top of the building.

  • http://www.offtrackbackpacking.com Tanya C

    OMG! This is crazy. I never even knew this “activity” existed. I wonder if they offer it in Montreal!! Congrats!

  • http://solofriendly.com Gray

    That’s okay, Candice, I probably would have failed too. I figure if something freaks you out that much, why torture yourself? It runs against human nature to do something that could get you killed. There are plenty of other ways to get your kicks in life.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Seems to be the case with most people, over all! Lol.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Hahaha, thank you! Lol, “natural selection.” Good call.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Stairs feel like a surefire bet.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    I LOVE your positive spin on that — not swayed by peer pressure! First time for everything.

    I’d like to take rock climbing classes, actually. Such a good workout.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Ha, I hardly did!

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Hahaha, I think they do, actually!

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    That’s always been my logic as well…why go through the torture? Doubt I’d turn into a champion climber or anything, Lol. I should conquer a more useful fear…like spiders…

  • http://www.theworldofdeej.com D.J. – The World of Deej

    A) Love your Family Guy reference in the beginning.
    B) Hopefully there’s a next time for you to conquer it. I almost did something similar off the Stratosphere in Vegas, but I too wimped out. I used the price as my excuse:)

  • Sarah

    Candice! This a random comment – But I’m new to your blog (found your link on the Everywhereist) and I just wanted to let you know I love it. I

  • Susan

    No kidding about the peer pressure – good for you. Reminds me of what my ma used to say occasionally: “Dear, if Debbie was going to jump off the bridge, I suppose you would too?” The comparison seems apt!’
    And by the way, I categorically deny your right to consider yourself a wimp over this or see it as a fail. Nope, that won’t do. You are a great adventurer and don’t you forget it.

  • http://bonchjela.wordpress.com Lela Bonchjela

    “I’ve always said it’s not the height that freaks me when flying, but the lack of control. I have fear of equipment malfunction, or something.” ME TOO! I can take rollercoaster, vikings, topgun rides etc, but NOT go-karts! Hell no! I’m not going to put my life in my own hands! BUT I tried. Once.

  • http://www.mayfieldinnedmonton.com Will

    You rappelled down that building LIKE A BOSS!

    I’ve never heard or seen of anything like that… I must give something like that a try sometime.

    Thanks for letting us know about your experience!

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Hahaha, damn, wish I had that excuse. Mine was free.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Thanks lady! Any friend of G’s is a friend of mine. ;)

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Lol, thank you! I am relieved to know I have at least an ounce of willpower.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Haha! I can’t take rollercoasters either, though. Unless they’re wimpy kid ones.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Ha, but I DIDN’T! I failed. But whatever. Next time?

  • http://www.mayfieldinnedmonton.com Will

    Ooops, like like I spoke too soon.

    Next time? sure why not.. just do it :) *hugs* lol

  • http://www.baconismagic.ca Ayngelina

    Yeah I would never do that. I’d be sobbing through the whole thing.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Hahaha, I’m so glad I’m not alone.

  • http://www.wildsofwherever.com Callie

    Nooo, don’t feel bad! Nothing wrong with not wanting to walk off the edge of a perfectly good building, haha. I got the chance to rappel down a waterfall once – I got almost off the edge, freaked out, and made them pull me back up (and everyone else did it like it was nothing. Bastards).

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Hahaha, I HATE when that happens. Same thing happened when I tried to climb back down from my apartment’s roof the other night…flipped out, and everyone else just scaled it like NOTHING.